Maybe this has shown already in other posts of the last months: I have come to look back more, identifying long term effects of magic. I wonder are any of the lurkers which seem to be around interested youngsters, who are merely starting it all? I feel like saying some things clearly to those, if they read it…

The development that drew me to magic started effectively with 16, I was 17 when I produced a first deliberate result. Now I am 30. My life is not perfect. But with 16, life seemed unbearable to me. Now, life has got a strong appeal to me, or rather it has a charm, or rather it’s a lot of fun. Some major wishes I had when I was 16 are fulfilled by now and stay fulfilled, some were not. There were several instances of little fun things happening which I had wished for, too.

There was more than one crisis on the path – I can call it a path by now, there’s a path-structure to it. C.G. Jung tells you openly there can be a crisis or several on the path he suggested, the Golden Dawn doesn’t deny there can be such things on their suggested path.

I have been learning all the time, in fact I keep learning and am happy about it. Many questions I had with 16 were answered, so that I know.

And even that fear of death thingy, you know?

So it’s worth it, I would say.

Any advice I could give? I could write very long reading lists with the result, that you check out some of the books I recommend, and they don’t illuminate you the way they illuminated me, because it’s all different to you.

Finding the way is part of the way, it changes you to the better, you’ll see.

If you still urgently want me to pin down advice I say the following, expecting that contradictory advice from somebody else could even work in some cases:

Meditate!

Don’t be narrow-minded! Search beyond what is labeled "occult" and don’t give a damn what other people tell you about that!

Don’t show off you’re into magic to everyone! You gotta be careful in this world! It could become less problematic when you’re older, but for now, be careful!

Have no fear!

Some here are older than me. I guess they could say something additionally. *nudge*

…means "Visita interiora terrae rectificando invenies occultum lapidem".

That’s basically it. The big secret which is said to protect itself anyway.

Terry Jones as a lady yelling: "Is he naughty or nuts to say that?"

Guess the true inner master has to find you worthy. Initiation can lead there after having gone through 800 degrees or you just get lost in the oblivion of the interesting on your way.

The rest of the occult is no more than a game.

For me, trust in myself always counted most when it came to this. Dont’t know if that’s a rule for everyone, might be other circumstances for other people.

I spent last weekend on camping with friends in Cheddar. It is a place where the real cheddar cheese is produced. Cheddar is a town lying at the foot of the gorge that reaches 120 meters at its peak. The view from the top of the cliff is amazing. You can see the rocks on the other side of the gorge and wild goats feeding on the steep slopes. It is truly impressive.

Spending time in wild places can refresh and empower me for a long time. Being close with nature seem necessary to me to maintain physical and psychical  health.  Contact with nature is magickally empowering in all possible senses. Being in nature can be much more powerful and inspiring than ritual performed at home. That is because in wild places magick just happens before your eyes. You don’t need to imagine, visualize anything. It is all there.

On Sunday we went for a walk to the top of the gorge. We were walking down the cliff to the viewpoint. On the side from the path there was small thicket and in there were goats, lots of them. In front of us there was very old, huge goat with long massive horns!
Absolutely beautiful. We stopped to look at him. He wasn’t bothered by us at all. Being on his own territory he knew we were not a threat. He was lying on the grass, looking at us and smiling.  It felt like being greeted by divine being. This goat is an extraordinary creature and very magickal indeed. I had a strong sense of mutual respect and recognition. We just felt personally contacted by this Spirit.  Unforgettable experience. It was amazing that we all felt totally safe in front of this strong, big wild animal. We felt such a friendliness, kindness and wisdom emanating from him. Very warm, loving feeling. He seemed so proud and confident and incredibly cute in its own way (at least to me).

Anton described this experience from his own perspective in here: audience with baphomet

Here’s Hippi’s photo of the goat:

and more goat….

and some shots of the cliffs and the gorge…

closing, a little goat!

After writing my recent note concerning the 15 Books that I am most aware of having influenced me (not the same as my favourite 15 books incidentally), I have decided to write deeper reviews of some of those books, and to start with I have chosen The Apophenion: A Chaos Magic Paradigm by Peter J Carroll, mainly because I have just finished reading it.

I have to admit I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy this book, as I have found Carroll’s work a little too reductionist at times.  On occasion I did find myself unhappy with this book for precisely this reason, a prominent example being his insistence that magic tends to be about enchantment and divination, with invocation, evocation and illumination only serving to aid these two goals.  With these defined as obtaining information or encouraging events to happen ‘by non-ordinary means’, one could be tempted to reduce things further and define magic as the idea that one can get things by non-ordinary means (whether events, information or anything else), but this could imply a tendency to control.    These abilities can cause disaster for an individual that fails to use them wisely.

Not that I’m implying such a lack of wisdom in Carroll, he has hinted at its importance in earlier works (such as the combined power-wisdom catastrophe charts in the back of Liber Kaos), just pointing out that he seems to take it as read in this work.

I didn’t find the balance between physics and magic problematic, indeed mostly inspirational, although I did find myself skimming one of the more science based appendices for lack of obvious application for such ideas in my present situation.

These minor criticisms aside I have found great inspiration from this book, to the extent I feel a renewed connection to the Chaos Magic current after having abandoned it for a few years.  I once again understand things I had for a time forgotten or misunderstood.  For example I had always identified with Carroll for favouring an ‘animist’ perspective over either a ‘materialist’ or ‘transcendental’ one, but during my disillusionment with Chaos Magic, tended to see it as ‘too materialist’.  Carroll’s writings on Pan-psychism in this book have renewed the understanding and identification, and built upon them.

However the real gem for me, perhaps demonstrating a tendency of mine towards the Pantheistic end of the Magic spectrum (as opposed the to Science end), has been the discovery of the twin Goddesses of Apophenia and Pareidolia, the former of which gave her name to this book.

This work should appeal to all those in the chaos current that can stomach, understand or gloss over the science bits, but could enjoy broader appeal for those that practise magic of whatever label. Indeed I would include this work in a recommended reading list of how to practise magic if I chose to create one.

Just getting some ideas down that occurred to me over the weekend (before I forget them).

For some reason these thoughts relate to a sorcerer and a chaos magician I overheard having an argument about being comfortable so years ago. Basically the chaos magician said that their ultimate aim with magic was to be comfortable. The sorcerer retorted that this would never be the aim of their magic. Such was their reaction that they were clearly shocked to hear the other state this as their aim.

My own thought back then was that being comfortable didn’t sound like such a bad thing, and I couldn’t understand what kind of masochism would deliberately avoid being comfortable. And yet I had much more respect for the sorcerer that opposed the comfortable than the chaos magician who supported it. Certainly I considered them more experienced and accomplished than myself (and still do to this day), so I had a sneaking suspicion that I was missing something important.

Well I can’t say its a problem that has occupied my thinking very much in the last several years since it first came up, probably in the Norwich meeting where KIA was launched in 2001 if I remember correctly, or if not definitely around that time. But it has popped into my mind unbidden every now and then, usually when I’m in some kind of altered mind state for some reason. So the fact its taken over seven years for me to work out this problem shouldn’t put me in too bad a light! Hopefully!

Oddly the answer that has come relates to my initial thoughts on the Senex and Puer in the article Thanateros and Anarchy which I wrote for key64.net (or key23 as it was back then). The Senex being the Jungian archetype of the Old Man, relating to Thanatos, Saturn and Kronos. The Puer relating to the Young Man, and thus to Eros, Mercury, Heros et al.

The Puer achetype often dies young as a result of its foolishness, whereas the Senex archetype often attempts to impart Wisdom to the Puer. Or if the Puer is too serious and responsible, then the Senex tries to inspire them with the joys of apparent foolishness. Merlin and Wart in the animated feature Sword in the Stone are good examples of the latter, and if we forget the masculine elements of the archetypes, the film Harold and Maude is an even better example.

Basically, the Senex, having wisdom, sees the danger both in too much foolishness as well as too little. In this sense Wisdom is not so much the opposite of foolishness so much as an arbiter between a foolish-serious polarity.

Seriousness can lead be what leads to the trap of the comfortable rut. Basically, by observing the consequences of our actions we learn which actions lead to greater happiness and thus repeat them more often, and exclude those actions that don’t bring us pleasure from further consideration. However, in so doing we would be continually narrowing our options until ultimately our life becomes a dull routine of what we previously enjoyed most. We can continue with this routine in the deluded belief that it is the best option to bring ourselves the most pleasure. We are comfortable and don’t want to move.

One of the many things I have observed about my own life however is that my tastes have changed continuously, and only really settle for short periods. Music I once loved now bores me. Music I once hated I now enjoy. Food that once disgusted me is now a regular part of my diet. Food I once couldn’t live without I now never eat. My clothing styles have changed over the years. My taste in internal décor has changed. My favoured means of sorcery and divination have changed. My sexual turn ons, and turn offs, have changed.

If I had simply stuck with what I was comfortable with, I would never have progressed. I would never have realised my tastes had changed and I would be living a bland yet comfortable life. In other words, a fate I would not wish upon anyone! The very fate I took up magic to escape in the first place!

Looking back, I wonder if I have ever needed to use magic to make myself comfortable. And really I think the answer is not only have I not, I don’t think I’ve ever needed to. Being comfortable is easy. Its what happens naturally when you don’t upset the apple cart. When you tow the line and do what is expected. If all you want is to be comfortable, sell all you magic books and buy a nice bed, a nice sofa and relax. If you can’t do that without magic, then I would suggest something is seriously wrong.

So what has the underlying goal of my sorcery been all this time? To upset the apple cart, to challenge myself to break new ground, to step into new situations in which I am not immediately comfortable and therefore escape the comfortable ruts in which I inevitably find myself. To rebel against my own inner tyrant and kick start an internal revolution in my own life.

At least that’s been my experience. Obviously I can’t speak for other sorcerers and magicians, and so I would be interested to hear how they relate to the idea of the comfortable, and especially how it relates to their sorcery.

…or a little less wise?

I’d been having tooth ache problems from a rotten wisdom tooth. No more! The tooth is gone. Instead I have a mouth full of blood and numb with anaesthetics right up into my sinuses. Not to mention a mind and body in shock at what just happened.

But its all for the best. The wisdom was rotten anyway, and would have gone on causing me pain if left, probably only getting worse.

Meanwhile the KIAwiki seems to have more and more Foolish People on it every day. This is not a bad thing of course! Unfortunately I have only seen them perform once, not currently living that near London, but when I did see them perform Dead Language at the Institute of Contemporary Arts the show was incredible. All of insightful, witty and darkly comedic and worth every penny I paid to see it. I also had the pleasure of a few drinks with John Harrigan after the show, and seemed to get adopted by the artist Maryam Hashemi. I will definitely get out to see them again when I get a chance. A foolish night to remember indeed!

To be entirely honest, I have no idea why its taken me so long to write it up.

Anyway, I think I need to go and take some pain killers or something. The local anaesthetic I mentioned earlier is starting to wear off. How many other people go and write a blog first thing after having a tooth pulled? I must be a fool…